hawkwardly replied to your post “you said you had a lot of thoughts about bottoming, could you share more of them, please?”
I agree with all of these things! Although I 100% admit to liking the taller person topping because… that’s what I like, personally. I’m short and shallow, sigh.
There is nothing wrong with having a preference! I just think it’s important—as you did—to be aware that it’s a preference and that any insistence that this is the way things are because X person/character is short/blonde/more excitable is silly at best, and buying into harmful beliefs at worst.
Anonymous said: you said you had a lot of thoughts about bottoming, could you share more of them, please?
Hey! I am always happy to go on and on about my opinions about bottoming (and topping). Before I start I want to give the usual huge caveat: I have read and loved stories that go against everything I am about to say. Porn, especially, is about getting people into a certain mind-set and so it’s easy to turn “this again?” into “holy shit, yes” with the right author.
Basically, I see a lot of the following in fic and it bums me out:
- Deciding who bottoms based off “looks” or size.
- Bottoms as “needy” or “desperate”.
- Strong power dynamics, solely based on someone topping or bottoming, in stories without them otherwise.
The last one is sort of vague, but for me includes things like:
- The top not fucking the bottom until they are “begging for it”.
- The top “batting” the bottom’s hand away when they start to jerk off (often insisting that they come untouched).
- The bottom specificlly asking for something—harder, faster, whatever—and the top ignoring it or literally doing the opposite.
These aren’t things that happen in some fics (like D/s stories) occasionally. It happens a lot, across fandoms. And that’s what gets me—this seems to be less exploring things that can be hot and more about those things being written as if they are inherently part of topping or bottoming.
All of the above, for me, creates a large body of stories where the implication seems to be that bottoms should not get much input in the kind of sex they have and that by bottoming they are taking on a role where they should do only what the top wants. It’s taking away some of the things that can be truly awesome and fun about sex: communicating desire! Learning what someone likes! Trying new things! And instead making sex about the desires of one participant (even if the stories are bottom POV).
And since in fandom the bottom tends to be the stand in for women who bottom, this makes me cringe. Heck, it makes me cringe as a toppy person who adores bottoms and thinks that if you don’t care about what the bottom wants you’re probably a shitty top.
Sex is fun! Power and aggression can be fun! Calling someone a needy slut can be fun! These are certainly reasons why people may prefer to bottom or top! But I, personally, vastly prefer stories where that aspect is embraced and fully made part of the fantasy, rather than anything that casually treats it as just the way things are.
"Bottoming isn’t just about the physical sensation of being penetrated, it’s the emotional high of accepting someone else’s presence in your body."
— How to Be Better at Bottoming (link)
Honestly, my hockey fandom this season is generally being way too invested in the Snapchat Interns.